Walking through a lengthly street,
Drinking sober gin,
As darkness pours from neon lights
I look out to what’s within
I ignore you so acutely,
my silence rings too loud,
I stand baffled there before you
Hiding in an empty crowd
I can’t control my discipline
And my hopeful fear
As I reach out close into me
For words to appear
Our silences in harmony
Synonymous contrasts
Glass shards left unbroken,
Avoidingly harass
Then I leave with tense relief,
Eternity is fleet,
If I were to taste the moment
I would say it’s bittersweet.
Patrick Julius said,
Mar 7, 21:35 #
Very impressive, Noam.
The rhyme from “streets” to “bittersweet” ties the poem together nicely.
The contrast of “look out to what’s within” and “silence rings too loud” (and numerous others) creates almost a sense of paradox, but “I stand baffled there before you” softens it enough to make it seem simply confused, even yes, bittersweet.
“synonymous contrasts” is almost a commentary on the poem itself.
“Avoidingly harass” sounds awkward, almost dischordant, to my ears, where “then I leave with tense relief / Eternity is fleet” rings much more fluidly.
Noam Samuel said,
Mar 9, 18:14 #
I must admit that “Avoidingly harass” was my least favorite line, but it was the only thing that made sense there. As for the rest, I must admit you are way more observant than I was.